just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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