Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
