You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
