I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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