Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
