she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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