Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
