Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
3pm strippers are depressing
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
