I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
