Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
