I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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