i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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