i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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