remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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