Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
