All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize