So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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