I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
