someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
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