Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
