i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
farters have to be the big spoon...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
