I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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