Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
