Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
