things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Randomize
