i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
