I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
