he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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