I accidentally had phone sex last night
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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