is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
