Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
