Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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