I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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