pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
