You're so nebulous sometimes
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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