there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
