I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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