the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
