A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
