P.S. I can't hear my feet
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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