How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize