he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
