you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Randomize
