Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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