Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
