he was CRYING into my vagina
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
