I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize