there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
