hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
