FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
