Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Randomize
