I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
