If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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