Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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