He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
