grandma shit on top of the toilet
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
