he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
