please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
We are all done wearing pants today
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
