Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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