I faked an abortion last night.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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