Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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