You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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