I just threw up on my dentist
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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